Below are my askew-ed view of the 10 Rules of Fair Fighting from The Everything Guide to a Happy Marriage by Stephen Martin and Victoria Costello
Rule No. 1 Keep It Private
Fighting by a married couple in front of other people is deem to be a power play by the more verbally skilled spouse. My opinion: Definition of verbally skilled? Verbally skilled as in debating/toastmaster skills? I don't get it...is he/she trying to show off he/she is better at stringing words? What if you fight in your mother tongue and your spouse don't understand the language? He/She may think you are telling a joke instead :D...a better explanation would be because it is embarrassing and makes other people feel awkward...
Rule No. 2 Schedule Your Arguments
It is wise to put the request to your partner ahead of time. My opinion: So how does it goes? He forgets to pick you up from work or she forgot to pay the ASTRO bill and it gets cut off on Super Sunday Football Night. Do we say, "Honey, this is not a good time to argue about this, just get in the car or watch TV1,2 or 3 and we'll talk about this next Tuesday? 5pm sounds good?
Rule No. 3 & 4 Limit The Topic and Stay On Topic
The differences that may exist between you on one issue can spread to a number of others, related or not issues turning the discussion into a dumping session which prevents resolution and intensify all the conflicts making you feel attacked and get into fight or flight mode. My opinion: I think everybody does this. You fight about one thing and co-relates to a past issues that was not resolve or similar in nature. (dalam bahasa malaysia..Ungkit benda lepas :D). We should emulate kindergarten or school yard scuffles, where in times of altercation your schoolmates will rally around and say Fight! Fight! Fight! and you fight that one fight and then become best buds again after second period. You don't go and punch the guy and say that was for last week when you took my char siew pau and this is for looking up my girl's skirt yesterday with the mirrored sharpener on your toes.
Rule No 5Allow Time Outs
When a couple has a passionate emotional conflict, the intensity of the argument can become overwhelming. Smart couples establish signals for time-outs and always establish a time to get back to the discussion after. My opinion: I usually storms out of the house take a long drive and comes back after cooling off because I tend to say mean things when upset or angry. Now some may see this as running away from a fight. No sir, it's my form of Time-Out minus the timer board or signal. Now what would be a good signal?? Definitely not the middle finger hahahahahahaha.
Rule No. 6 Offer Solutions with Criticism
Habitually criticizing your spouse without offering solution means you are 'garbage dumping' and will only intensify the hostility between you defeating the point of all disagreements which is to come to resolution. Example given. Instead of saying "I cant believe you forgot to take out the thrash again this morning. That's so irresponsible: You say "Unfortunately, you didnt get the garbage can out in time this morning. I was thinking it might be easier to remember to take it out to the curb the night before. What do you think?" My opinion: Who talks like that?????? Couldn't they have come up with a better example like instead of saying "You fucking missed the turning again and now we are gonna be late for the movie!" You say "Honey, you missed the turn (and in your mind ONLY you say, that's twice u egghead) but if you drive further up, we can make a U-Turn and still make it in time". and throw in a smile More realistic no?? I mean arguing about garbage? really??
Rule No 7 Never Say "You Never" or "You Always"
Making generalizations in the form of accusations intensifies fighting and leads to deeper emotional hurt as oppose to help you work toward resolution of marital disagreement. My opinion: Only rule I wholeheartedly agree on. Tell your partner you appreciate them ALWAYS.
Rule No. 8 Set Off-Limit Topics
Understand your partner's area of vulnerability and do not hit below the belt by saying things to intentionally trigger it unless your true intent is to escalate hostilities. My opinion: Hahahahahahahaha the core of unfair fighting. Can be discuss but with care, maybe stick a FRAGILE sticker on your forehead before you proceed. Examples of Off Limit Topics: Ex-es, parenting style (especially with kids from former marriage), WEIGHT
Rule No. 9 Don't Save Up Anger
Release complaints gently, without anger, from time to time. My opinion: Get a suggestion/complaint box. I handle written complaints better than verbal. At least I can take my own sweet time to resolve it or throw it in the bin. :D.
Rule No. 10 The Art of Apology
Do not get overly invested in being "right" and it would be easier to apologize. If you are always "right" then your partner must be always "wrong" and why would you be with someone who is always wrong?? My Opinion: It's very hard to say you are sorry especially when you are still angry yourself, but you should also not say sorry unless you really mean it nor force someone to apologize until they are ready. Ogden Nash said "Whenever you're wrong admit it, whenever you're right, shut up".
Why am i reading Everything Guide to a Happy Marriage barely one month into my marriage?? Because I want a Happy Marriage and prevention is better than scrambling to a counselor's office with divorce paper in hand. As an example given by the book: If you want to climb Mount Everest, you don't just say "Gee, let's climb Everest" and heads off next week. You prepare for it, train your butt off and be mentally, physically and emotionally ready to conquer all diversities in achieving your conquest. Same goes for marriage, it's not a HAPPY EVER AFTER guaranteed once you've cut the cake, the hard works of sustaining a marriage starts after the credit roll.
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